Valentine's Eve

I am currently in the process of trying to find people to go out with this weekend. My friends in relationships are obviously spending Valentine's with their girlfriends. Normally I could rely on Casanova or Canadian Steak to team up with me on a cunt hunt somewhere in the city. However, Cas is journeying to Portsmouth again to visit his piece up there, whilst Steak is on lockdown due to revising for College of Law midterms. Therefore I am without a partner in crime and it looks like this weekend will be an uneventful one.

Having never had a girlfriend, Valentine's Day is something which passes under the radar for me. There have been times in the past where I have felt that the occasion has exposed the shortcomings in my love life. These days I see Valentines Day as a golden opportunity: it is the only night of the year where every woman who is out at a club or bar is single and more importantly desperate and ravenous for cock.

In thinking about what I could potentially miss out on by not hitting the town on Saturday night I have devised the concept of Valentine's Eve. As you can imagine, this steals a lot of ideas directly from New Years Eve. Valentine's Eve would be held on February 13th. It is important to note that since Valentine's Day is not a public holiday, these parties can only realistically take place on weekends, to allow hangover recovery, and consequently twice every seven years (maybe thrice considering that Thursday nights are now the new Friday nights). This year Valentine's Day falls on a Sunday, so this will be the last time for six years that such a party would be feasible.

Nightclub promoters take note: the night would be almost exactly the same as every other club night, aside from a few of important exceptions. Firstly, in the same vein as New Years, the DJ would give clubbers a countdown to the onset of Valentine's Day. Fifteen minute reminders from eleven pm onwards would alert partygoers that the time they have to find someone to kiss at midnight is diminishing. Once the clock strikes midnight clubbers would rejoice "Happy Valentines!" and embrace each other (some more passionately than others). At this point everybody would be showered with confetti and shiny heart-shaped balloons. Instead of the traditional New Years Eve song "Auld Lang Syne" being sung at this point I would instruct the DJ to play "Lovefool" (1996) by the Cardigans to complete the setting. For the rest of the night clubbers would be left to bask in the romantic ambiance and I am certain that almost everyone would leave with a "result".

I ran this idea past my good friend, Reeves, in a phone conversation earlier in the evening. He laughed and dismissed it as one of the most pathetic ideas he had ever heard of. He is probably right, but if it ever does catch on then remember that you heard it here first.